The external hell within

October 22, 2013 at 6:09 am Leave a comment

So many tears in grief stricken eyes
So much shame behind the lies
So many scars on such young skin
So much pain lies within
All the pain builds in side
All the tears you try to hide
You know its not the right thing to do
But no one seems to understand you
One more cut, not that deep
The blood will finally let you sleep
The calm has come after the storm
You are alive, the blood is warm
You know that now you must hide
And keep the shame you feel inside
You wish there was some other way
You wish you knew the words to say
Fall on deaf ears and unopened eyes
You aren’t proud of what you do
You wish the wispers weren’t about you
Nobody seems to understand
Except the blade you hold in your hand
You need proof that you are alive
Not cold and dead like you feel inside
The hurt is so much and it will not fade
It is your own flesh that has payed
You pay for pain and lies and shame
You feel the guilt when people speak your name
You just want someone to understand
And tell you it will be ok and hold your hand
Not ignore the problem and hope it will pass
Not say its a phase or even a fad
One more scar, there is nothing to lose
You don’t do it for them, you do it for you
Do you still try and hide it or make it known
You live in a glass house, do you cast the first stone
You know that some will call you insane and some will call you even worse
Before all this you were peoples dream
Now you are their curse
You don’t know how long you can hide behind the lies that you tell
Being clumsy may be hard but it hides the truth so well
How else do you explain the cuts, scrapes burns and broken bones
You fell down the stairs, slipped with a knife
And sometimes, you don’t even know
They don’t see what they don’t want to see
And you don’t feel what you don’t want to feel
The pain may subside but it always comes back after the last cut heals
Sometimes you wonder if you will run out of skin before you run out of pain
Or if you will finally be able to stop it all before you go totally insane
You know that your not trying to die, your actually trying to live
Your not trying to take your life, its life your trying to give
Your trying to make people see the hurt you feel inside
Trying to use your pain to help them open up their eyes
You don’t do this for fun or to try and fit in
Your making external, the hell within

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Entry filed under: Abuse, Alters, Creative writing, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Foster care, Foster child, Fostering, Poem, Poetry, Self harm, Self injury, Triggers, Writing. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

our social worker can kiss my ass So the new people on childline arent all that bad

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