fuck it people

October 17, 2013 at 7:25 am Leave a comment

last night sucked. of course so edid the night before, so whats new?
things got really hard last night. new memories started to come back.
memories of being starved by our mom. its no secret we had no food at home but, actual memories of her making us vomit came back.
we’d go to school in the morning and sometimes the teacher would give us a lunch because i guess she knew we were starving, i dunno, but when we got home our mom would say have you eaten, if we said no then she’d make us prove it to her by making us sick.
and if she found food, we’d be beaten to a pulp.
its so difficut to write this stuff out. to know our own mom, our own flesh and blood did this to us and she didnt even care.
we are bad, we dont deserve a mom, we dont deserve to be loved…thats why sometimes when our foster mom tells us she loves us i cant quite believe her.
sometimes i try to even make her hate us by acting out. it would be so much easier if she said i hate you kids and gave us back to be placed with a new family.
but she doesnt. that should tell me something shouldnt it? but my fucked up brain wont let it sink in.
we are totally fucked up from our bio mom and our bio dad but thats a whole other story in itself.
i guess we’ll have to talk in therapy today about this stuff. damn it anyway cuz i dont wanna.
i wish it wasnt friday today.
ali age 9

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Entry filed under: Alters, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Flashbacks, Foster care, Foster child, Healing, Memories, Mental illness, PTSD, Recovery, Therapy, Trauma. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

dead on the inside K.C remembers

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