Archive for October, 2013

The aftermath

Foetal moments in adult lives

A thought process to survive

Hide in a shell, fragile as skin

Speak not a word, breathe again

Live in a world where things are fine

Stare at reality from behind the line

Cross into this world when you have no choice

Protect your mind, project your voice

Nothing is safe here but we cant both escape

Life has a form and I take your shape

You take my mind, doing what you think is good

I smile plainly and you think I understood

Truth be told I don’t understand at all

But I’m able to get up every time I fall

Maybe not knowing is a defence of its own

And though it feels wrong, survival I condone



October 31, 2013 at 4:28 am Leave a comment


I want to be wrapped in a cocoon

Not with the expectation that I’ll blossom

But just to be safe and snug and warm

Even if only for one afternoon

If I could be protected from the cold

And shielded from the things that make me ache

I’d like to be able to just breathe for a while

Before my story is told

I would allow myself to be enveloped

By a shield that wont allow anything in

And I might consider coming out

Once I’ve had the chance to properly develop

Time has been lost from winters cold to spring

And I am not sure how long it would take

To rebuild and compensate and prepare myself to be reborn and sing

But if I could be taken over by a cocoon

I would be willing to take my chances

Repair the damage thats been done

And be able to turn and face the moon


October 31, 2013 at 4:21 am Leave a comment

The monster

See this song? I fucking love it. Eminem rocks. I can really relate to this one.
ali age 9

October 31, 2013 at 3:55 am Leave a comment

So the new people on childline arent all that bad

Hey everyone

I know its been a few days since we wrote. We been kinda busy being fucked up and in crisis so…yeah, whatever.

I just got done talking to a girl on childline who I never talked to before. Her name was Gabby. We started off kinda shaky cuz she started the call in a stupid way but in the end we were ok and everything worked out fine. I actually think she’s pretty awesome.

She tried to understand the whole being multiple thing and I know for someone whose never experienced that it cant be easy. But she asked questions and I like that. It shows she has a brain ha. Some people just assume to know and man do I hate that. Cuz how can you know if you havent lived through it? I dont mind answering any questions as long as they are valid ones.

We talked about our halloween party. I’m dressing up as a minion for it! I cant wait. It should be fun!
Ali age 9

October 30, 2013 at 3:54 pm Leave a comment

The external hell within

So many tears in grief stricken eyes
So much shame behind the lies
So many scars on such young skin
So much pain lies within
All the pain builds in side
All the tears you try to hide
You know its not the right thing to do
But no one seems to understand you
One more cut, not that deep
The blood will finally let you sleep
The calm has come after the storm
You are alive, the blood is warm
You know that now you must hide
And keep the shame you feel inside
You wish there was some other way
You wish you knew the words to say
Fall on deaf ears and unopened eyes
You aren’t proud of what you do
You wish the wispers weren’t about you
Nobody seems to understand
Except the blade you hold in your hand
You need proof that you are alive
Not cold and dead like you feel inside
The hurt is so much and it will not fade
It is your own flesh that has payed
You pay for pain and lies and shame
You feel the guilt when people speak your name
You just want someone to understand
And tell you it will be ok and hold your hand
Not ignore the problem and hope it will pass
Not say its a phase or even a fad
One more scar, there is nothing to lose
You don’t do it for them, you do it for you
Do you still try and hide it or make it known
You live in a glass house, do you cast the first stone
You know that some will call you insane and some will call you even worse
Before all this you were peoples dream
Now you are their curse
You don’t know how long you can hide behind the lies that you tell
Being clumsy may be hard but it hides the truth so well
How else do you explain the cuts, scrapes burns and broken bones
You fell down the stairs, slipped with a knife
And sometimes, you don’t even know
They don’t see what they don’t want to see
And you don’t feel what you don’t want to feel
The pain may subside but it always comes back after the last cut heals
Sometimes you wonder if you will run out of skin before you run out of pain
Or if you will finally be able to stop it all before you go totally insane
You know that your not trying to die, your actually trying to live
Your not trying to take your life, its life your trying to give
Your trying to make people see the hurt you feel inside
Trying to use your pain to help them open up their eyes
You don’t do this for fun or to try and fit in
Your making external, the hell within

October 22, 2013 at 6:09 am Leave a comment

our social worker can kiss my ass

yeah…i hate her so much right now. she never ever does anything good for us.
she can go to hell as far as i’m concerned. see if i ever trust a word she says.
my foster mom tells me stuff that she says…and, she’s not even her social worker so she should shut up her face.
the next time i see her i’ll be having it out with her. the hse is a lot of bullshit.
childrens rights is bullshit. it all looks pretty on paper but thats all.
nobody in the hse cares what happens to me. if they did they wouldnt be sending our bio mom into treatment. not after how she treated us her kids.
our social worker just says she deserves the chance to try to change and provide better for her kids…well fuck that shit. i dont want her as my mom, i dont wanna live with her, in fact i dont ever want to see her ugly face again.
im tired of my social worker triggering us at every turn. im tired of her not understanding the did. im tired of her bullshit.
i’d like to change social workers but it aint simple..oh no. the hse makes it real difficult because god someone like me might want to do it and is serious about it so they make it so kids in foster care cant really do it even though it says you can.
im just fucking really tired of it all.

ali age 9

October 22, 2013 at 5:58 am Leave a comment

Songs for survivors-Katy perry roar

i love this song. it really speaks to us. katy perry rocks but this particular song is awesome. the video is also really good. Check it out guys!

ali age 9

October 22, 2013 at 5:47 am Leave a comment

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