Archive for August, 2012

Quote on becoming

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg.

~ C. S. Lewis

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August 30, 2012 at 9:19 pm Leave a comment

Soooo tired

We are soooo tired. And tomorrows a busy day. We gotta go to our school to meet teachers, principal, and talk about the upcoming year. If we dont sleep soon we’re not going to be able to make it through the morning, or get up even. I hate nights like this. I really hate them. As soon as we try to put our head on the pillow, the flashbacks start. The memories plague us. We get scared, and then chaos ensues. I am so tired of it all. I need a break. I need a vacation from my head.

Emily

August 30, 2012 at 2:32 am Leave a comment

our mom

Our bio moms pregnant again. Our social worker told us on Monday. We didnt say something on here sooner because we were trying to get our head around it and process it. but yeah, she is pregnant. pregnant and using drugs. our social worker said she will not get to keep the baby, do i believe her? hell no. because going on the HSE’s record, these were the people who came to our house for 7 maybe 8 months, saw what was going on, and did nothing, well, why should i believe they will do something now when this babys born? i dont believe it. i wish our mom wasnt pregnant. that is our brother or sister. and she is using drugs, damaging them. and we gotta worry is she going to get to keep that baby and hurt and abuse it or will it be taken and put in care, and if it is taken into care, where will it be taken to? who will my brother or sister live with? i asked our foster mom to take the baby. she said she’d love to but she doesnt know if the social workers will allow that. it would be nice to have one of our siblings living with us though. i’d like that, we all would. i am so scared. and so sad. it hurts, why is my mom a psycho crazy bitch? why?

ali

August 29, 2012 at 11:56 pm Leave a comment

im just, angry and pissy

whats new? arent i always that way?

no, not always. but lately i am. i cant help it. its just how i am feeling.

last night i had a kind of terrible call to childline. i talked to a girl i didnt know and i dont usually do that. well she knew nothing or she acted like it, so i lost it with her. i told her she hasnt a clue and get one. and im not going to give her an easy time of it. i actually told her that straight up. i said im not going to make it easy for you. and she was all like your very angry, and im like so? so fucking what? i am angry. i own it i am angry. deal with it or shut the hell up.

after a little while the call was kind of ok. i guess. but tonight made up for it. i rang and tara answered me. i wasnt expecting that. tara usually works friday evenings, not wednesday evenings. but it was a surprise and a nice one. i enjoyed our chat and i got a lot out of it.

i will talk about the reasons why i am angry in a different post. everythings just so overwhelming right now. a lot is happening and happening very fast and i cant deal with it, none of us can. its all too much. and very stressful too.

no body seems to understand that except our foster mom. she dos try to understand it. but sometimes it just all gets too much. and i want to scram and yell at the top of my lungs, and i do it sometimes. that is when i am most likely to have a massive melt down. during those times.

melt downs arent any fun. justsaying.

ali

August 29, 2012 at 11:46 pm Leave a comment

A quote that speaks to me…

Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people’s souls.

~ Melody Beattie

August 28, 2012 at 8:41 pm 2 comments

So nervous

I am so nervous about going back to school next week. It is going to be such a big change for me and my insiders. We’ve been out of school for a year. Homeschooled instead of going to school like a normal person. I am glad we’re going back, but so nervous about it. It will be hard not to switch, when so many things make us switch, we are going to work in therapy on identifying our triggers, and preventing or trying to prevent switching in class. Me and 2 or 3 of my insiders are going to make a team so we can manage the schooling so the rest of the insiders dont have to do it. Our therapist thinks it is important for me Emily the host to be on the school team. I dont know if I agree but I will give it a try. Next Monday is our first full day. We are going in on Thursday and Friday of this week to meet some of our teachers and look around and talk to the principal. Our foster moms going with us. I think our social worker is going too. It is all making me feel very anxious and sick to my stomach. Im trying not to let it show too much though.

Emily

August 28, 2012 at 3:51 pm Leave a comment

talked to katie

So i rang childline, and i got through to katie. someone i know really well. yay me. i lucked out. at first she couldnt hear me properly, but we sorted it out. and i had a good chat to her. for about 45 minutes. and now after doing that i think i can sleep. i got a few things off my chest. and i feel calmer, better even. dont they say its good to talk? for just this once i believe that.

Goodnight, world

ali

August 28, 2012 at 3:33 am Leave a comment

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