It is not my fault

August 31, 2012 at 11:40 pm 4 comments

It is not my fault. It is not my fault. It is not my fault.
Thats what I have to keep reminding myself tonight. My head hurts. My head tells me it is all my fault, what my bio mom did to me. Every last bit of it.

My brain is all mixed up though. Thats what my therapist says. She says in no way was it my faults. Or any of our faults. We were a child, we still are.

But I think it has to be our fault. If only we had been nicer, easier to get along with, easier to love? If only. I hate if onlys.

If we’d have been better, our mom might have loved us. Even a little bit. Did she even ever love us a tiny bit?
Our therapist says no. She is incapable of love. How can a mom be incapable of loving her children? How does that work?

See? I told you my brains all mixed up tonight.

Everything wasnt my fault. I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact.

Alanna

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Entry filed under: Abuse, Alters, Bio family, Biological family, Emotional abuse, Family, Inside teens, Insiders, The past, Tough stuff, Triggers. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

i miss my brothers and sisters Something that resonates with me right now-from Ginger

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. tina huffman  |  September 1, 2012 at 1:41 am

    Never a child’s fault what an adult does. Children are innocent and vulnerable. You had no choices.

    Reply
    • 2. beingemily  |  September 1, 2012 at 1:50 am

      Sometimes its very hard to believe we did not cause it all ourselves. Thanks for your kindness

      Reply
  • 3. tina huffman  |  September 1, 2012 at 1:44 am

    You love…that’s why you cant understand how she doesn’t. You are amazingly different from her. Keep showing and feeling the innocent love children have and you will heal quicker.

    Reply
    • 4. beingemily  |  September 1, 2012 at 1:49 am

      Thanks. We do want to heal. We dont want to be like her. Thank you for your kind words.

      Reply

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