The power to break people

April 29, 2012 at 6:34 am Leave a comment

When I was young, I used to dream about having super powers. I always wanted to somehow get the ability to fly. I tried my hardest at this many times by climbing the tallest trees and using my self-built parachutes out of sheets or anything large enough I could get my hands on. I aspired to become a super hero somehow saving the world from villains.

I guess you could say that my career path has slightly changed since my super hero days but fundamentally stayed the same. I still aspire to change the world but minus the flying part.

I guess one could say that I do have some form of powers that are not really in the area of super. I have the ability to break people with my life. I think it was somehow a tactic that my abusers may have built within me to never let myself get closer to people.

I would say that it is a success because I find myself not wanting to let people get close to me due to the fear of breaking them. Whenever I become friends with people and I experience a difficult time mental health wise I want to isolate myself away from them for fear of breaking them.

I realize now after I lost many friends that I need to not disconnect myself from people when I am having a rough time. I actually do have people in my life that care about me which is something that makes me uncomfortable possibly because I have never had that unconditional feeling from another person. I have a tendency to be hard on myself because I know that I can always do better and it causes me a lot of unneeded stress. However, I don’t like having to rely on other people because I don’t want to be a needy person.

I remember back when I was in the hospital I was lying on the seclusion room floor, I was surrounded by so many doctors and therapists who were trying to calm me down but at that moment I realized that no one can help or save me but myself. I think that was when my, self-preservation gears when into high because I was determined to not have to ever rely on anyone ever again.

I have changed from those days but many things remain the same. It is difficult for me to reach out to others because of these super powers that I have that aren’t super at all. I’m fearful that if I reach out to someone I am going to break them. It’s a lot of responsibly to have the power to unintentionally break someone but I think that most difficult part is that means that I had to broken in order to have the unsuper power.

 

allie, age 9

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Allie-emotional this morning Back

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