Archive for April, 2012

The power to break people

When I was young, I used to dream about having super powers. I always wanted to somehow get the ability to fly. I tried my hardest at this many times by climbing the tallest trees and using my self-built parachutes out of sheets or anything large enough I could get my hands on. I aspired to become a super hero somehow saving the world from villains.

I guess you could say that my career path has slightly changed since my super hero days but fundamentally stayed the same. I still aspire to change the world but minus the flying part.

I guess one could say that I do have some form of powers that are not really in the area of super. I have the ability to break people with my life. I think it was somehow a tactic that my abusers may have built within me to never let myself get closer to people.

I would say that it is a success because I find myself not wanting to let people get close to me due to the fear of breaking them. Whenever I become friends with people and I experience a difficult time mental health wise I want to isolate myself away from them for fear of breaking them.

I realize now after I lost many friends that I need to not disconnect myself from people when I am having a rough time. I actually do have people in my life that care about me which is something that makes me uncomfortable possibly because I have never had that unconditional feeling from another person. I have a tendency to be hard on myself because I know that I can always do better and it causes me a lot of unneeded stress. However, I don’t like having to rely on other people because I don’t want to be a needy person.

I remember back when I was in the hospital I was lying on the seclusion room floor, I was surrounded by so many doctors and therapists who were trying to calm me down but at that moment I realized that no one can help or save me but myself. I think that was when my, self-preservation gears when into high because I was determined to not have to ever rely on anyone ever again.

I have changed from those days but many things remain the same. It is difficult for me to reach out to others because of these super powers that I have that aren’t super at all. I’m fearful that if I reach out to someone I am going to break them. It’s a lot of responsibly to have the power to unintentionally break someone but I think that most difficult part is that means that I had to broken in order to have the unsuper power.

 

allie, age 9

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April 29, 2012 at 6:34 am Leave a comment

Allie-emotional this morning

i feel so fragile this morning, like i wanna do something awful. i wont, its just how i feel. so dont all jump my ass ok?

this song, i can relate to it. it sums up how i feel right now…
allie, age 9

Sometimes I get emotional
Sometimes I do some stupid things
Sometimes I say what I should just keep inside
Sometimes I’m sad about everything
Sometimes I’m mad and break some things
Sorry times 10 but you just got in the way

Don’t give up now running away
I won’t hurt you sometimes I’m just a pain
And that’s the way it is
That’s just the way I am

Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That’s when I need you
Laughing’s always easy, but sometimes I’m just scared you’ll leave me
That’s when I feel emotional
[fade]

You say I’m just impossible
Totally unpredictable
I’m just a girl get use to it
No big deal
You can’t change me why would you try?
I’m no angel but I can make you smile
And that’s the way it is
That’s just the way I am

Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That’s when I need you
Laughing’s always easy but, sometimes I’m just scared you’ll leave me
That’s when I feel emotional

Don’t give up
I won’t hurt you
Oh, sometimes I’m just a pain
And that’s the way it is
That’s just the way I am

That’s when I need you
Laughing’s always easy but, sometimes I’m just scared you’ll leave me
That’s when I feel oh yeah
That’s when I need you
Sometimes I get emotional

April 28, 2012 at 8:16 am Leave a comment

Anywhere but up…

I don’t think there are any words I can say to express what I’m going through and feeling right now. I have a sense of powerlessness that makes me feel afraid.

The next few week are going to test the limits of myself both as a person and as a human being. The dehumanization of my past is so heavy and I can feel it everytime I breathe. I know that everything happens for a reason but I’m not sure I would say that in this case. These were reasonless acts that continually effect my everyday.

I heard this quote somewhere once- “it is the children the world almost breaks that grow up to save it”. I hope that quote is true because all this so called “progress” I’m make seems like I’m standing still waiting for one of my worst fears to take place.

I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m afraid. I wish I could stay with my therapist 24/7 because I’m just so unsure of myself and I don’t want to make this worse. But there really isn’t anywhere to go but up from here- hopefully.

April 28, 2012 at 7:03 am Leave a comment

Self assessment quiz to diagnose did dissociative identity disorder mpd? Comments anyone?

1. The body experienced trauma before the age of 7.
true
2. I feel like I have witnessed another part of myself being abused.
true
3. I startle easily.
true
4. I have or do harm the body.
true
5. As a small child, I enjoyed playing tricks by hiding inside my own body.
true
6. I don’t recall much of my childhood before the age of 12 years old.
false
7. I have had ‘out of body experiences’.
true
8. There is more than one personality that shares my body.
true
9. Sometimes, I feel out of control when I’m talking.
true
10. I watch the body ‘do things’, as if ‘I’ am not controlling it.
true
11. I have experienced child abuse.
true
12. I am in an abusive relationship now.
false
13. I often feel two contradictory feelings at the same time.
true
14. Much of the time, I feel detached from other people, places or time.
true
15. I sometimes find myself in unfamiliar places, unsure how I got there.
false
16. I have skills that I don’t recall learning.
false
17. I lose track of time when I become engrossed in a task.
true
18. I don’t always remember the names of my immediate family members.
false
19. I own articles of clothes or shoes that I have no memory of buying.
false
20. I have many different styles of clothing in my closet.
true
21. I sometimes hear voices in my head who talk to me – telling me what to do.
true
22. In the past, I have lost up to years of time – with no memory of what happened.
false
23. I have nightmares where I feel like someone else.
false
24. I have/do experience vivid flashbacks where I feel as if I am ‘back’ in time re-experiencing a past event.
true
25. I have/do experience pain as if it is far away and ‘unreal’.
true
26. When I become overwhelmed, I sometimes feel as if I am a small child.
true
27. When I listen to people talk, I find that I sometimes ‘miss’ part of they are saying.
true
28. During the course of a day, I sometimes realize that I don’t recall the early morning hours of the day.
true
29. I have run into people who knew my name and seemed to know me, but who I had no memory of meeting before.
false
30. I have felt like a I have seen myself as if I were looking at another person.
true
31. I have been accused of lying when I know I was telling the truth.
false
32. I have remembered events so vividly that it felt as if I were reliving the experience.
true
33. I sometimes wonder if things really happened or if I imagined they happened.
true
34. I sometimes feel strangely familiar in unfamiliar places – as if I have been there before.
false
35. I sometimes become so absorbed in watching television, reading a book, or working on computer that I become unaware of other events happening around me.
true
36. I sometimes believe I completed a task when actually I hadn’t, but had just ‘thought’ I completed it.
true
37. I have become so engrossed in imaginary daydreams that it feels as though I am really there.
true
38. I am positive that I am a real person!
true
39. I have suffered from depression.
true
40. I have memories of abuse as a child, but I do not believe they actually happened.
true
41. I am the same chronological age as the body.
false
42. I am easily distracted.
true
43. I have attempted or thought about suicide at least twice in my life.

true 44. I can remember most of my favorite old cartoons and play toys.
false
45. I don’t remember most of my favorite high-school teachers’ names.
true
46. My body ‘feels’ as if it belongs to someone else.
true
47. I share my body with other parts of myself.
true
48. Sometimes, I ‘listen’ to myself as if I am talking from far away, though others mention I am talking louder than normal.
true 49. I sleepwalk.
false
50. I over-exercise.
true
51. As a child, I had imaginary friends.
true
52. When I feel angry, I want to hurt others.
false 53. I feel like I have different parts of myself – who play out different roles in my life – often without me remembering.
true/false? i do this, but i can remember parts of it..just i don’t like to think about those times
54. It feels to me as if the body is not ‘real’.
false 55. I often ‘hear’ talking, singing, voices, etc. coming from inside my head.
true
56. I feel far away from the outside world – as if I am looking at it through a fog.
true
57. When I look into the mirror, my image seems ‘distorted’.
true

April 23, 2012 at 11:56 am Leave a comment

What is love?

What is love Is love the pain of betrayal Is it the shame of a touch Is love a bruise on my cheek Is it a cut on my lip Is love a life of fear Is it crying myself to sleep Is love thinking i am stupid Is it knowing that i am bad Is love wishing you could disappear Is it being empty of everything No love is not these things we know Love is a friends kind touch It is a word of encouragement to stand back up Love is always forgiveness It is unconditional in its nature Love is listening to it all It is hugs and smiles Love is making you feel safe It is sweet butterfly kisses Love is knowing you are near It is being able to let go and knowing that love will still be there when you meet again.

April 23, 2012 at 11:21 am 1 comment

One year, six months and counting!

I wanted to write this last week when it happened, but, I/we were too overwhelmed.  So writing it now instead.

 

We’ve been with our foster mom and dad a year and a half. We just celebrated it. And, get this, our foster mom gave us flowers! Gorgeous flowers!  No one ever gave us flowers before.  It was soooo amazing!  They were soooo pretty.  I almost didnt know what to say!

 

We made her a card and a bunch of us signed it.  She loved it.  She hugged us and she said she’s glad we’re part of her life.  Again, that blew us away.  No one ever said they were glad or wanted us even.  We were never wanted before.  It feels nice to be wanted.  Its so special.

 

Emily

April 23, 2012 at 4:46 am Leave a comment

Never a truer word spoken

We generally change ourselves for one of two reasons:  inspiration or desperation.
Jim Rohn

April 18, 2012 at 5:00 am Leave a comment

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